RSSPosts Tagged ‘marriage’

The Anniversary

Posted October 22nd, 2008 by Jen in family life, humor, parenting
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Two days after our wedding anniversary this year, my husband says to me, “Honey!! We forgot it! Again.” An even dozen deserves to be remembered. But we both are wise enough to know that the act of timely recalling a significant date is not nearly as important as what’s in our hearts on a daily basis.

Which is why he didn’t watch my face with apprehension as he broke the news, but burst into a sheepish, roll-your-eyes kind of laugh, knowing I would join him in making fun of ourselves — what! we’re not even 50! At least we remembered in the same month. For all the special people whose birthdays we forget, you can see that we are no respecter of persons (um, that doesn’t mean we don’t respect people…it’s a phrase that means we don’t discriminate!).

Again. My husband added that word to his announcement because, yes, indeed, we’ve done this before. Most memorably, it was our 7th anniversary. We were about to sell our first house. It was a small 1970s home with low popcorn ceilings and dreary, dark cabinets–at least that’s what it looked like before my husband went on a remodel craze. He completely updated the place, tackling everything from that horrible ceiling texture to the trim to the windows, and even added on another bedroom, bathroom, and family room.

At the very last minute, I, who had offered nothing to the entire project (except birthing babies and changing diapers, which, as all mothers know, is essential to any long-term home enterprise), decided that the 1970s brick fireplace MUST go. I recommended retiling it with slate. Fine, except we had the house on the market and a couple traveling from another state to look at the residence in two days.

Women can be impulsive like that. Especially nursing mothers whose hormones are still totally out of whack. Miraculously, my extremely fussy artistic (and surely sick of remodeling) husband agreed and even trusted me to pick out the slate myself at Home Depot. People, I can’t even hang my own pictures in the house! But it was clear that this last remaining vestige of the 1970s was an eyesore amongst the otherwise upgraded design.

This is how we found ourselves on that August night five years ago, him mixing mortar and laying stone, me cutting (yes, running a motorized, acutely sharp object in my hormonal state!) squares of slate as he marked them. We worked at a frantic pace, with me occasionally having to stop to nurse the baby and check on the toddlers. I pondered our sanity. Our buyers would arrive the next day.

Sometime about 4 a.m., as I joined him at the fireplace in laying slate over dated brick, desperately wondering if we’d make it, he looked at me with bleary eyes and mortar-smeared hands and face. With a bit of a startle he announced, “Honey, it’s our anniversary!” We were utterly exhausted and filthy dirty, but working side by side and enjoying our combined efforts–not a bad place to be. We laughed and wished each other a most sincere “Happy Anniversary.”

I’m just glad it was him that remembered first.

We’ve promised each other that next year we’ll remember. We have the best of intentions, but it’s safer for us to treat each day as a special one, cherishing every moment of our crazy life, not saving our best attention for one certain day.

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Love Means

Posted July 11th, 2008 by Jen in family life, religion
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Have you ever thought about the silliness of the saying “Love means never having to say you’re sorry”? This line from the novel and 1970 film Love Story is baffling, and I pondered this as I contemplated my relationships today. As one who actually over apologizes, does this mean I don’t love?

Now, I understand the point of the quote to mean that….well, hmmm, I guess I have no clue what it could mean. Does it mean that if you’ve offended or wronged someone, the best thing to do is just let it pass and ignore it? Sounds like a recipe for disaster in a marriage or any other close relationship.

Does it mean that you don’t have to say you’re sorry because you’re so perfect and never offend the one you love? I haven’t seen the movie. Perhaps the quote of “never having to say you’re sorry” was meant to apply to the comatose, the dead, the unborn, the Holy Mother, or Christ himself! Those are the ones who never wrong others. The rest of us, well, I say open your mouth and start talking.

From a biblical perspective, we are commanded to repent from our sin, and we all sin, we all hurt others in some way, shape, or form, intentional or unintentional. The essence of a true, heartfelt statement of “I’m sorry” is repentance, hopefully leading to a change in the behavior at issue - a critical factor in our life of faith. “I’m sorry, will you forgive me?” followed by a return of “Yes, I forgive you” — this makes more sense.

Can I come up with my own version of this famous love quote?

Love means saying you’re sorry as often as you possibly can!

Well, as often as needed. This would be a good piece of advice to anyone approaching marriage or anyone who has a human relationship - um, all of us. Now go love on someone.
*****

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Are you happy or are you holy?

Posted April 7th, 2008 by Jen in family life, religion
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Marriage: For Happiness or Holiness? This is the topic for the Marriage Monday group writing project over at Chrysalis.

I admit I really didn’t know where to begin on this topic because I was a little confused; I had never considered this view of marriage as either/or, but as both or none. Happiness and Holiness in marriage are certainly not mutually exclusive. I had to ask e-Mom over at Chrysalis what she was getting at. Well, once I figured out that there’s a book out there by a gentleman named Gary Thomas called Sacred Marriage with the subtitle “What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?”, it all made sense.

I haven’t read the book, so I can’t presume to know all of Mr. Thomas’ basic premises. However, I did find an old article he published in Christianity Today (1999) in which he addressed the exact subject:

Years ago, I finally realized that marriage is for holiness more than happiness. Marriage creates the best environment in which I can serve God and grow in the character of Christ—and that’s what I should expect from it more than anything else. This doesn’t mean that happiness and holiness are mutually exclusive; often they aren’t. But the primary purpose in my life is not to pursue happiness, it’s to become like Christ. How thankful I am to be married—to be in an ideal environment for spiritual growth.

When I was married for happiness, and I went through the inevitable seasons of unhappiness (or just the routines of life), I assumed my lack of happiness meant my wife wasn’t measuring up. I judged her failings and she judged mine.

When I realized I was married for holiness, I knew that I never measured up. I became more than satisfied with my wife as I focused on what I needed to change. My wife didn’t change, but my perspective did.

Humility gave me a new marriage because it gave me a new me. If God, who is perfectly holy and righteous, can delight in my wife as he does then I can respond with similar delight.

This cleared things right up. Why an entire book needs to be written when these four paragraphs would do… But like I said, I haven’t read the book, and I feel this way about nearly all self-help books, not just this one.

IF happiness in this discussion is a selfish, inwardly focused, pleasure-seeking state of mind, and holiness is that state in which we are growing in the character of Christ, then this is an easy discussion. It seems that a self-focused happiness (what will make ME feel good) is in opposition to true humility. Humility is that holy quality of being free from pride, being intent on serving our spouse and meeting his/her needs, considering the other above ourself. So, yes, marriage should be more about working toward holiness than happiness.

IF, however, happiness in this discussion is a mutual feeling you share with your spouse, as in, “we have such a happy marriage,” or a joint sense with your spouse of contentment, joy, and pleasure in your marriage, then this seems to be a holy thing in itself. And it seems silly to try to put this happiness in juxtaposition with holiness, because the two are working together like two parts of a body, just as the scriptures command.

Happiness or holiness? I’ll take both, please.

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