Are you happy or are you holy?

Posted April 7th, 2008 by Jen in family life, religion

Marriage: For Happiness or Holiness? This is the topic for the Marriage Monday group writing project over at Chrysalis.

I admit I really didn’t know where to begin on this topic because I was a little confused; I had never considered this view of marriage as either/or, but as both or none. Happiness and Holiness in marriage are certainly not mutually exclusive. I had to ask e-Mom over at Chrysalis what she was getting at. Well, once I figured out that there’s a book out there by a gentleman named Gary Thomas called Sacred Marriage with the subtitle “What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?”, it all made sense.

I haven’t read the book, so I can’t presume to know all of Mr. Thomas’ basic premises. However, I did find an old article he published in Christianity Today (1999) in which he addressed the exact subject:

Years ago, I finally realized that marriage is for holiness more than happiness. Marriage creates the best environment in which I can serve God and grow in the character of Christ—and that’s what I should expect from it more than anything else. This doesn’t mean that happiness and holiness are mutually exclusive; often they aren’t. But the primary purpose in my life is not to pursue happiness, it’s to become like Christ. How thankful I am to be married—to be in an ideal environment for spiritual growth.

When I was married for happiness, and I went through the inevitable seasons of unhappiness (or just the routines of life), I assumed my lack of happiness meant my wife wasn’t measuring up. I judged her failings and she judged mine.

When I realized I was married for holiness, I knew that I never measured up. I became more than satisfied with my wife as I focused on what I needed to change. My wife didn’t change, but my perspective did.

Humility gave me a new marriage because it gave me a new me. If God, who is perfectly holy and righteous, can delight in my wife as he does then I can respond with similar delight.

This cleared things right up. Why an entire book needs to be written when these four paragraphs would do… But like I said, I haven’t read the book, and I feel this way about nearly all self-help books, not just this one.

IF happiness in this discussion is a selfish, inwardly focused, pleasure-seeking state of mind, and holiness is that state in which we are growing in the character of Christ, then this is an easy discussion. It seems that a self-focused happiness (what will make ME feel good) is in opposition to true humility. Humility is that holy quality of being free from pride, being intent on serving our spouse and meeting his/her needs, considering the other above ourself. So, yes, marriage should be more about working toward holiness than happiness.

IF, however, happiness in this discussion is a mutual feeling you share with your spouse, as in, “we have such a happy marriage,” or a joint sense with your spouse of contentment, joy, and pleasure in your marriage, then this seems to be a holy thing in itself. And it seems silly to try to put this happiness in juxtaposition with holiness, because the two are working together like two parts of a body, just as the scriptures command.

Happiness or holiness? I’ll take both, please.

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12 Responses

  1. Susan April 7th, 2008 at 9:08 pm

    Glad you joined in! I love your conclusion, I’m with you, I’ll take both!

    Blessings♥

  2. mrs darling April 7th, 2008 at 9:54 pm

    Hmmm I havent read any other thoughts on this but yes marriage should be about both but….
    I’m not sure I would ever characterize my marriage like that. To say that “I am married for holiness” doesnt sound quite right. I really wasnt thinking about being holy when I got married. I was thinking about being made whole as a person and as a unit. I was thinking about happiness.

    I agree that the primary purpose in life is to become like Christ but to marry to become like Christ is a little off beat. Of course, I havent read the book either but I think I disagree with this guy. I dont even want my husband looking at me and thinking, “If God can love her and delight in her then I can too.”

    I want my husband to feel complete and fulfilled and happy in our marriage but holy? Hmm. I feel holy when I walk in the woods and view nature or when I walk into the quiet sanctuary or when there is storm or when I gaze at the ocean. I feel God holiness. I cant say Ive ever felt holy looking at my husband. But I do feel happy.

    Uh uh the more I think about it the more I dont like it. I hope I dont incure any wrath here from anyone but this sounds like a man who isnt happy with his wife so he has to find a spiritual cloak to throw over the marriage to make his lack of love for her sound better.

    Its like he’s saying, “Im sorry honey, you dont make me happy. But there’s no need to worry because Im striving for holiness here, my dear. If God likes you then Im sure I can too, after all Im not necessarily suppose to be happy with you. I am only to strive for holiness.”

    A husband still in love with the wife of his youth wouldnt have to be worrying about whether he is happy or holy. I find happiness in my marriage and holiness in my God.

    What kind of romantic speech is that?

  3. e-Mom April 7th, 2008 at 10:44 pm

    Hi Jennifer,

    I’m chuckling (in a good way) at the discussion here. I agree with you wholeheartedly! Marriage should have BOTH happiness and holiness.

    Like Mrs. Darling, I suspect some Christians spiritualize their unhappy wedded state, instead of doing the necessary relationship work to achieve mutual satisfaction. After reading “Sacred Marriage” I got the distinct impression that perhaps the author (Gary Thomas) had spiritualized his own unhappy marriage.

    Thomas’ theology is suspect, as I understand he promotes the practice of “centering prayer,” a New Age practice. But if you or any of your readers are curious about his thoughts on marriage, go read the book. Then tell me what you think.

    Thank you for your contribution to Marriage Monday today, Jennifer! Your willingness to do the background research is an asset to this group.

    Blessings, e-Mom

  4. Andrea April 8th, 2008 at 5:03 am

    An excellent post Jen! I’ll also take a dose of happiness AND holiness. Thanks for mentioning Sacred Marriage. It has been well received and I think it would be a great read.

    Have a fantastic day!

  5. SmallWorld April 8th, 2008 at 5:07 am

    First of all, you crack me up: “Why an entire book needs to be written when these four paragraphs would do… But like I said, I haven’t read the book, and I feel this way about nearly all self-help books, not just this one.” Can I just say that this would sum up pretty much any self-help book I’ve ever read, too?

    And this, this is just perfect: “And it seems silly to try to put this happiness in juxtaposition with holiness, because the two are working together like two parts of a body, just as the scriptures command.
    Happiness or holiness? I’ll take both, please.”

    Happiness and holiness seems inextricably linked in my own personal marriage. God has blessed us richly, and I think our happy and holy marriage is a blessing to Him.

  6. Heather Young April 8th, 2008 at 9:43 am

    I agree. Lovely thoughts. :)

  7. Jen April 8th, 2008 at 10:08 am

    Susan, thanks, good to meet you!

    Mrs. Darling, you gave me a good laugh, I loved your commentary! As far as this statement of yours: A husband still in love with the wife of his youth wouldnt have to be worrying about whether he is happy or holy. YES, I wondered the same thing.

    e-Mom, hmmm, I haven’t read anything before this by Gary Thomas – you have me curious about his theology. I know that some have said similar things about Richard Foster, who wrote Celebration of Discipline, among other books. And I don’t think Foster is a New-Ager. I’ll have to let you know what I think of Thomas after further reading.

    Andrea, thanks, and good to meet you, too. It sounds like you’ve heard some good reviews of Sacred Marriage.

    SmallWorld, not to degrade anyone who loves self-help books, of course… They are just generally not my style. I’m glad you appreciated these thoughts!

    Heather, thank you…I just love the word “lovely.” Seriously. It’s a pleasant word that makes me think of…high tea at a lovely palace. :-)

  8. amydeanne April 8th, 2008 at 1:36 pm

    didn’t realize the question had anything to do with a book.. thanks for the info!

  9. Linnet April 8th, 2008 at 2:00 pm

    Lol, my husband is shouting at the football on the TV so I am sitting here in perfect holy peace… ;)

    Great post, I agree with your take on self-help books. I’ve not heard of centering prayer that e-mom talks of but it’s put me off this book :) not that I’m really big on marriage books, I’ve read most of The Excellent Wife by Martha Pearce and that had enough information in to digest for a life time ;) I had to give up before my brain exploded (I am a bear of small brain).

    Sorry I’m rambling now, I totally agree with your thoughts, I’ll have both and if I can’t have both I’d have to drop happiness because holiness means I’m close to God and if I’m close to God I guess I’m happy :)

    ~blessings

  10. Michael April 8th, 2008 at 7:56 pm

    Somedays, I’m certain I’m gaining more holiness; I’m just thankful I get a whole bunch of happiness with that. :)

  11. Chasing the Wind » Christian Carnival CCXIX April 9th, 2008 at 10:54 am

    [...] in OR presents Are you happy or are you holy? posted at Diary of 1. Is your marriage for happiness or holiness…or is this a silly [...]

  12. Jen April 10th, 2008 at 9:50 am

    AmyDeanne, it may have been good if everyone knew about the book ahead of time, huh?

    Linnet, ah, perfect holy peace! You and Michael are on the right track – out of holiness comes happiness!

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