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 An Integrated Family in a Segregated WorldPosted March 5th, 2008 by Jen in education, family life
I have faced this dilemma many times, and still don’t have a firm philosophy on this issue of Who is Invited to the Party. We are probably in the minority, but we do most things as a family, and I cringe at age-segregation. Do you realize that this seemingly harmless age segregation of little children continues all the way on to the age segregation of our senior citizens, put away in nursing homes with no honor? And the age segregation in between those years has been noted as the cause of many ills from bullying and youth gangs to low intelligence? Probably because we are a homeschool family, and obviously not separated into different rooms according to age, our kids are sort of confused by this idea of only other four-year-old girls being invited to a four-year-old girl’s birthday party. My kids haven’t yet been socialized into segregation. I consider that to be a very good thing, even though some would disagree with me and say just follow the culture! People tell me that it’s just natural for kids to drift into their narrow age groups, but I disagree–there is one big force out there which causes this unnatural age segregation, and it’s called school. It makes complete sense for kids to only play with other children their age when they’ve been trained in that way since preschool. That doesn’t make it right or natural, it just explains the phenomenon. I tend to stand on principle. It wouldn’t be a terrible thing to allow JoJo to go to the party by herself. But it just undermines our philosophy of living an integrated family life, and my husband and I want to present a connected, cohesive family model to our children. And logistically, it’s difficult. I have three other kids. I don’t drop a four year old off at a birthday party, so I’d have to stay with her. What do I do with my other three kids if my husband is working? Hire a babysitter so my child can go to a birthday party? That’s simply not in my budget. What I’m up against, however, is a mammoth cultural icon. Little boys invite all the little boys in their class at school to their birthday party. This is how it’s done. Let’s say there are 15 boys in the class. That’s a lot of children eating cake and blowing noise makers. If each of those boys also brought siblings, it’s just too much for the party host to handle. Me and my four kids would tip the scales into chaos. This is nearly impossible to overcome. What’s a family like ours to do? Be counter-culture? Anti-birthday party? Weird? Taking a stand on this “we all come or no one comes” conviction certainly puts us at the fringe of society. However, I think strict age-segregation is unhealthy, unwise, artificial, and impractical. Where an important principle is at stake, maybe I just need to be okay with the fringe. Technorati Tags: birthday party, children, age segregation, homeschool, integrated family |
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“Can JoJo come to the birthday party?” read the email I hadn’t yet responded to. I still don’t know my answer and the party is at 3:30 this afternoon. The invitation was extended only to my 4 year old girl. My six year old girl had assumed that she would also be invited, and even my boys don’t want to be left out. Who knew the thought-provoking conversations that would result from a simple birthday party invitation.
9 Responses
This is a tough one. To be honest, we usually do the all inclusive parties when the children are younger, but tend to that less as the children get older. We still have a family party, where Gramma, Grampa, Great Gramma, aunts, uncles, and all ages of cousins come though. When our 3rd turned 5 in February, I hosted a party where siblings came as well. I found the hardest ones to please were the older siblings and vowed to not do that again! So there’s my two bits. You sound like this is really important to you- do your kids play sports, and how do you handle the age segregation there?
I am absolutely with you on this one. We only have small parties and the whole family of each friend is invited. In fact, we have a small group of fellow homeschoolers we “party” with. Three families totaling 9 kids. The other choice my kids get is a one friend party or a family only party. We don’t do segregated classrooms at all–in fact it was one of the many issues we had with traditional church. The kids’ friends are of all ages and most live out of state (lots of same age pen/phone pals works well.:))
When kids are little the parties should really be for all kids. Age is no big deal. But when Tink has parties now I dont really want the boys involved. There’s a certain age where I think its appropriate to separate the parties.
Hmmmm. Not ever having homeschooled, this dilemma is a new one to me. I would guess to some of your non-homeschooling friends just need to be enlightened to your point of view. They might see it your way if they truly understood why you feel the way you do.
On the other hand, I can’t imagine forcing my whole family on someone, when only one (or two) have been formally invited. I guess the gracious thing to do is to be thankful for the invitation, and then todecline or accept, depending on your convictions.
A tough one. Let us know what you decided to do!
:~D
In the end, all-family parties are more fun. Still I don’t envy you explaining this to others.
We also tend to ask to include both of our kids even if only one is invited (both a necessity given medical nursing requirements for one & a good opportunity to include everyone - a theme in our life). We haven’t had anyone say no yet…. Not to mention that the bigger kids tend to go out of their way to include the younger kids - good models when they do.
Jane, I agree, it does get harder as the kids get older. Mine are all under 8, so I don’t have a lot of experience with that. Organized sports - I don’t have a problem with age/sex segregation there.
Heather, thank you for the vote of confidence. :-) I also have the same age-segregation issue with church; it’s modeled after school. I like your solution to the children’s parties.
Mrs. Darling, getting into the teen years brings up so many new issues! I’m not even close to there yet, so I appreciate your wisdom on this.
e-Mom, okay, I know I’m a FREAK! Just kidding. You’re right, I shouldn’t force my whole family on someone. Here’s what happened: this mom is a very dear friend who I was comfortable asking if both girls could come. She was completely okay with that, and actually had anticipated that both girls would probably come. The boys would have been too much to throw in the mix for her, though, so I took them over to the ceramic shop where we had projects to finish up. IF this had been a mom I didn’t know very well, we would have not gone. JoJo didn’t want to go by herself, and with the three other kids, I couldn’t stay with her. It all worked out though.
Rob, thanks for having sympathy for me trying to explain this! I know I sound like a nut. I like the inclusiveness theme in your family. It’s great to see the good things that come out of multi-age activities - the bigger kids helping the younger kids. That’s the heart of what I want to see.
HA! You are not a freak… just light years ahead of the rest of us. I’m glad it all worked out. :~D
(Even though they’re 3 years apart, we often thought of our two kids as twins, because they’re such good friends, and went many places together. Did I ever tell mention I had the exact same due date for both of them? One came two weeks early, so they’re birthdays aren’t exact… but nearly.)
The fringe ROCKS!! Stay on the fringe! It drives everyone else crazy but there’s life abundant on the fringe.
Delightful post!
e-Mom, very neat on the same due date. But have your girls ever wished their birthdays were further apart? That could go either way…
MooBeeMa, Wow, thanks for the excellent encouragement!
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