Valentine’s Day: What NOT To Do

Posted February 5th, 2008 by Jen in family life, holidays

1st Corintians Heart There are many fabulous Valentine’s To Do Lists surfacing this time of year, and I have nothing new and exciting to add to those, but instead I’ll give you my Top 10 List of what NOT to do this Valentine’s Day.
1. Do NOT have expectations. One of the biggest killers of love and romance is unmet expectations. If you are expecting your spouse to sweep you off your feet with a dozen roses, a box of chocolates, and a fancy dinner, and he opts for a Barnes & Noble Gift Certificate, there may be trouble in paradise. Heather at Untraditional Home says it well:

After years of being disappointed (and yes I left hints and outright asked) I made a discovery. If I removed the wrappers of commercialism I realized I didn’t care–I only cared because I was being told I should at every turn. Then I came to an even bigger realization: my discontent and selfishness was harming our marriage.

2. It’s NOT about you. Ladies, this one is for you. We think Valentine’s Day is our day to be pampered, loved, admired, and put up on a pedestal. It’s great if that happens, but when your focus turns inward, you turn ugly. And who wants an ugly Valentine? Focus instead of loving others.

3. Do NOT drop hints. Oh, honey, Valentine’s Day is coming…have you made plans? No, no, no! If you followed tips #1 and #2, you won’t be dropping hints. This leaves your spouse feeling like a mouse in his hole with the cat’s paw coming at him. Trapped, cornered. Romance killer.

4. Do NOT have a “work spouse” and for Heaven’s sake, don’t give them a Valentine gift. I was shocked to read an article this morning in which some professor says having a “work spouse” can be a good thing. The term refers to a significant co-worker with whom you flirt, who provides you with mental and emotional support, but of course you draw the line. A 2007 study quoted in the article stated that 23 percent of employees had a “work husband” or “work wife.” No mention made of the fact that workplace affairs are a leading cause of divorce.

5. Do NOT compare your Valentine’s Day with anyone else’s. A wealthy friend receives a diamond pendant, another travels to a resort, another dines at the finest restaurant. You put the kids to bed early and have a homemade meal in your own kitchen with your beloved. We’re all at different places in life, have different priorities and tastes – it’s all okay.

6. Remember the all the “LOVE IS” parts, but also the NOTs of 1 Corinthians 13: Love does NOT envy, love does NOT boast, love is NOT proud, love is NOT rude, love is NOT self-seeking, love is NOT easily angered. Love keeps NO record of wrongs, love does NOT delight in evil.

7. Do NOT make excuses. For anything. There’s no place for “I’m tired, the kids wore me out, or I worked all day and I have a headache.”

8. Do NOT go into debt for Valentine’s Day.

9. Do NOT get sick by gorging on bad chocolate.

10. Do NOT rush something just because it’s Valentine’s Day.

But everyone, please DO have a Happy Valentine’s Day!!

11 Responses

mrs darling February 5th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
A work spouse? No wonder the divorce rate is so high in this country!

Great tips!
e-Mom February 5th, 2008 at 4:23 pm
Are you SURE you want me to have a happy Valentine’s Day? I feel like a balloon with all the air whooooooshed out!

Lol, very clever writing, BTW.

RE: #2…I do think though that our men need clear directions from us as to how to bless us on Valentine’s Day, or any other day. Hints are essential!
mandi February 5th, 2008 at 4:45 pm
A work spouse!? Yikes!
I have a hubby who is a self-proclaimed Valentine’s Day hater. I think you have summed up many of the reasons for his sentiments.
I had to through expectations out the door long ago and your quote from Heather was right on the mark – I really don’t care if I get nothing for V-day, Mother’s Day, and so on. Ouch – did I just use a double negative – hey I do remember some grammar from high school! What do ya know! ( :
As far as #9 – I pledge not get sick on bad chocolate but if I get some good chocolate, I am not promising anything! ( :

Great tips!
heather February 5th, 2008 at 6:41 pm
An excellent list–wish I had had it years ago. :)
Jen February 5th, 2008 at 7:31 pm
Mrs. Darling, the “work spouse” thing is apparently fairly common, based on several articles I found this morning. If you think about the fact that the majority of working people’s lives are spent away from their “real” spouse, and when spouses return in the evening to their real family, they may sit in front of the TV for a hour or two, tend to children if there are any, and perhaps have an hour together at the most? Yes, quite a contributor to divorce, which is why the article disturbed me, that a so-called professional would endorse the practice. The cautions she gave at the end of the article were meaningless, given that she already touted the benefits of having a “work spouse.”

e-Mom, I truly do want you to have a Happy Valentine’s Day! And I have nothing against the wonderful list you posted – however, the “NOTs” I listed may need to be a prerequisite. Especially for some. I was long prone to setting up unrealistic expectations with disastrous results. This list is critical for some people. And as far as the “hints” that you believe are essential: again, for some. :-) I happen to be married to a man who does not respond well to hints, and they make him feel attacked, manipulated, and on the defensive. I’ve learned the hard way!

Mandi, My husband’s not a Valentine’s Day hater, but I totally know where you’re coming from. It’s the fact that all the marketers drag out their wares the second New Year’s is over and the red-hearted march is on – buy this, buy this!!! And the chocolate, by all means eat GOOD chocolate – it won’t make you sick!

Heather, thanks, and I loved your list as well!
e-Mom February 6th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
I “ouch” for you. :~D Or as Bill Clinton would say, “Ah feel yer pain.”

You’re right, “hinting” is not the right word. Direct, unemotional, clear, short requests are really much better–and essential. When a man feels *trusted* he rises to the occasion to deliver the goods. It’s the mistrust they (mistakenly) hear in “hinting” that defeats them. Praying for you!
Tammy February 6th, 2008 at 7:23 pm
Hopping over here from Heather’s…and in turn, from emom’s…and this was such a well-written post with wonderful advice!
I have one of those husbands that doesn’t respond well to hints either. On the other hand, if I do give him a request in simple terms (such as I posted about and which took place last year) he usually thinks that’s great. (Especially when it costs little or no money!)

You have great words of wisdom…I have always had a hard time with high expectations all my life, and have only in recent years been getting beyond that.

Blessings,
~Tammy
Dana February 7th, 2008 at 6:24 am
Work spouse? Yikes. I can see where that might be a Valentine’s no-no. : )
JHS February 10th, 2008 at 12:01 pm
Good morning:

Thanks for contributing this post to this week’s Carnival of Family life, hosted at Health Plans Plus!

“Work spouse” is a new concept. Never heard that one before.

Be sure to stop by the Carnival tomorrow and check out the other wonderful entries!

JHS
Colloquium
Jen February 10th, 2008 at 4:40 pm
Tammy, I’m glad you liked this. I appreciated the comment from both you and e-Mom about giving simple, direct requests – that works well for husbands and pretty much anybody in your life! The high expectations thing – that’s just difficult to overcome, and usually perfectionist-type people-pleasers (like me) struggle with this!

Dana and , the “work spouse” seems to be surprising everyone who comments here. You should do a quick Google search and see what you turn up. The fact that it’s becoming a term that turns up in work-related surveys is telling.
Simone February 11th, 2008 at 6:15 pm
Jen—This is by FAR the best Vday list I have come across all day…a truly refreshing read to say the least and a completely invigorating perspective! I just believe that it is so, soo important to have a day where you focus on your loved one and letting them know how much they mean to you. I just so happen to have the inside scoop on a fantastic contest about love and expressing love going on right now that you ladies should definitely take a quick peek at sometime; I work for Dove Chocolates (perfect for this time of year, huh? haha) and we have this contest going on right now called the “Expressions of Love” contest, where we’re basically asking ladies like you to submit their most creative ideas for letting someone know you love them…and get this, the winner will receive a 5.58cts “Baby’s Breath” diamond necklace worth $21,000!! THAT would definitely be a nice trinket to open on Vday ;) I’d definitely love to have some ladies like you who really do care about Valentine’s day enter, so feel free to go to http://www.mydovechocolate.com and leave your most creative submission!
We also have these ridiculously adorable customizable boxes of chocolates available for Vday this year, so if you’re trying to think of cute gift ideas, definitely take a look ;)
Thank you ladies, hope you all have a wonderful Valentine’s Day, and let me know if you enter! :0)

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Valentine’s Day: What NOT To Do

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