Expectations and Contentment

Posted August 27th, 2007 by Jen in religion

I was thinking of the parable of the workers in the vineyard (Matthew 20:1-16) a few days ago. For some reason, it came to mind as I sat with a friend discussing our lives as mothers, and I thought of this parable in a new way.

The gist of this story is that a landowner hired several shifts of men to work in his vineyard, promising each of them a denarius for the work. At day’s end, all the workers received their denarius, regardless of whether they had worked only an hour, as the last hired workers were, or had worked the entire day. Guess what? Great complaints arose from the workers who had been there the whole time.

v12 “These men who were hired last worked only one hour,” they said, “and you have made them equal to us who have borne the burden of the work and the heat of the day.”

One of the problems the early workers had was the expectation that they should receive more pay relative to the late workers. No matter that they were all told up front what the pay would be. Let’s say that none of the workers knew what the others were paid. All would have been happy with the denarius, as they all gladly accepted the work for that amount in the beginning. The problem wasn’t the denarius, it was the discontent that came as a result of a certain expectation based on a comparison with those around them.

I’m not sure how I’m making the leap to motherhood, but here goes. I feel an important lesson in this parable is learning to be content and not ruled by expectations.

Why is it that when the husband is away on a trip, and the wife is caring for the little children all by herself for an entire week, that she just does the job, rises to the occasion, and even enjoys the sweetness of that special time with the kids? But, when the husband is home, and let’s say that the wife still does the same amount of work, she grows resentful because there before her eyes is the expectation that he should help.

So, this friend of mine was asking, how do you do it all? She was struggling with raising her children, dealing with depression, and somewhat bitter toward her husband for not helping more, perhaps feeling justified in her attitude. So I answered her that the key to managing it all has to do with expectations. I asked about the mothers of old who routinely raised 10 or 12 kids with husbands off hunting or off to war. Oh, but they had the village, my friend says. Okay, the prairie mother who had no village around her to help in the care of the young ones? She did what was required, and had no reason to be harboring other expectations, because there were no alternatives.

When a wife has a child, she does not become a wife who happens to have a child; she becomes a mother. This motherhood should be a joy, a blessing, an honor. Not a job that she would like to be part-time at, or job-share with her husband, counting out how many tasks each partner is responsible for. Yes, the husband becomes a father. He should be responsible before God for his role in the family, and I’m not attempting to address him right now. Can the wife fulfill her role as mother, as long as she is physically able, without placing certain demands/expectations on the father?

There is a direct correlation between contentment and expectations. C. S. Lewis put it this way, “If you think of this world as a place intended simply for your happiness, you find it quite intolerable. Think of it as a place of training and correction and it’s not so bad.” If a wife views her role of mother as something glorious to be done, perhaps even a “pull up your big girl panties and get it done” attitude, she will find a good deal of contentment. If she views her role of mother as one in which she is entitled to certain assistance from her husband, her mother, her sister, or whomever, she will always be let down and will certainly succumb to discontentment. I would gently advise a readjustment of her expectations.

It’s okay to want fairness; for the workers in the vineyard, there’s nothing wrong with wanting greater compensation for a greater amount of work. For the wife, there’s nothing wrong with wanting fairness in the marriage - wanting your partner to help shoulder the child-rearing or household duties. That makes sense, after all.

Aah, that’s where we can err. Didn’t God say something about the wisdom of the world being foolishness? When Fairness and Sense are elevated above God’s ways, one can always expect strife. Here’s a litmus test of sorts to balance what you think is fair against the Word of God. God’s Word always trumps man’s expectation of fairness.

1) Are you being a servant in this situation where you feel there is unfairness?

2) Is there a biblical mandate that addresses the issue in question? (Such as “Wives, submit to your husbands,” or “Care for the orphan and the widow“).

I want for wives and mothers to really hear this. So much of the discontentment and resentment I see in a young mother stems from her feeling a right or claim to help in her job of motherhood. Of course it’s nice to have help - nothing wrong with that and please send some my way anytime! But when that becomes your expectation, dear ones, roots of bitterness are sure to grow.

Yes, we live in the 21st century, not the 1st or even the 18th. This is a different, complex culture and it’s not fair to superimpose the 18th century woman and her job of motherhood onto the 21st century woman. Oops, did I say FAIR?

The parable of the workers of the vineyard speaks so much to me about my work as a mother and wife. God has every right, as God, to pay 18th century wages to a 21st century woman if He so chooses. I’m not calling on wives to lower their expectations of their husbands. I’m asking wives to take God at His word and find contentment there. What wage, what promise, did He guarantee you, regardless of what the wife and mother next door receives? Don’t compare, don’t complain that you don’t have “the village” to help you, don’t try to control how God dispenses.

Here is what every good mother is promised: Her children will rise up and call her blessed. Proverbs 31:28. Whether you have all the extra help in the world or none at all, that’s your pay.

photo credit: www.nesegallery.com