The Foundation of Marriage

Posted April 27th, 2007 by Jen in family life

I’m not qualified to give advice on marriage, but if I did have a qualification to speak on it, it would be only that I am married and have some experience with the thing. I’ve seen marriages around me crumble, and I have to guard my own like a vigilant watchman. All I can say is, if you’re not in daily prayer over all aspects of your marriage, you’re taking a great risk.

I’ve been reading a lot of Dietrich Bonhoeffer lately, and as I’ve been trying to find an answer to the question I posed here (which I still have not resolved), I came across this wonderful segment on marriage:

God gives you Christ as the foundation of your marriage. ‘Welcome one another, therefore, as Christ has welcomed you, for the glory of God’ (Rom. 15[7]). In a word, live together in the forgiveness of your sins, for without it no human fellowship, least of all a marriage, can survive. Don’t insist on your rights, don’t blame each other, don’t judge or condemn each other, don’t find fault with each other, but accept each other as you are, and forgive each other every day from the bottom of your hearts.

from Dietrich Bonhoeffer, The Martyred Christian: 160 Readings.

What is most striking to me is the aspect of “don’t insist on your rights.” This insisting immediately leads to that sort of indignation that causes judgment and fault-finding.

I’ve been learning a bit about marriage from a dear friend of mine in recent times, my mom-wife-mentor, Catherine. She always tells me, “you need to treat your husband as if he were right, as if he were hearing directly from God, as if he were making wise decisions–regardless of whether he is or not.” That’s tough to swallow. But I’ve tried it. I call it “fake it ’til you make it.” And funny enough, the more I regard my husband as such, the more he actually becomes such. So lay down your rights to call your husband on the carpet for money he spent unwisely or time he squandered away, and begin to say, “honey, I appreciate how you handle our finances wisely,” and find something true, some particular thing he did do wisely, and commend him for that. And pray that God gives him wisdom–this prayer is on my lips almost constantly, because with our enemy prowling about, he’s in desperate need of it.

My last bit of advice would be this: choose carefully in whom you confide. I have only one or two friends I can confide in about marriage issues. Your confidante must not be one to take your side no matter what and say, “you’re right, he’s being such a jerk!” That’s not really helpful, is it? It’s just entrenching you in your sinful mindset that you’ve been wronged and you deserve better, and this attitude hinders forgiveness. My friend above almost never takes my side, but redirects me to what I can be doing for my husband, and directs me to prayer. And she prays. And I know that whatever I say to her will not taint her opinion of my husband. One of your jobs as wife is to guard your husband’s integrity and respect (Proverbs 31:23 - her husband is respected at the city gate).

May God bless your marriage today.

15 Responses

Jane April 27th, 2007 at 2:10 pm
I agree. Being selfless can be so hard sometimes. I naturally want to be reactive. I am thankful that I have a SUPERnatural GOd who can help me (when I remember to pray!)
Heidi April 27th, 2007 at 3:19 pm
I have found a grateful heart takes care of a great deal of my issues in marriage. Ultimately it’s G-d’s job to take care of me and many times He does so through my husband.

However, if I begin to allow bitterness and an ungrateful heart to fester the immediate consequence is not only damaged relationship between myself and my spouse but also between my spouse and our children. The less tangible (in the beginning) but consummate end result is damaged relationship with G-d. What I am living out is a belief G-d is failing in His plan to care for me. And that’s pretty scary territory.

I would encourage any wife to find the strengths of her husband and only speak of these things to anyone who is part of your life. Save his weaknesses for your prayer closet. Your friends and family have no responsibility to respect your husband but you do. Your friends and family weren’t put into his life to be a help-meet and most intimate friend. You were. The words we say in passing to build up or tear down our husband’s reputation will dig down deep into the hearts and minds of our friends and family. It’s a huge responsibility.

And if I trust G-d to take care of me, many times He does use my husband to do exactly that. The times He doesn’t? That’s when I discover how to rely on G-d and when He will bring a friend along side me.
Jen April 27th, 2007 at 11:27 pm
Heidi, your comment above is just the reason why I like you so much. You get right to the heart of the matter and have no problem subtly pointing out that I have a flaw in my advice. I’ll have to add a note to the end of this post - Heidi Alert! Seriously, I appreciate my dear friend who I can talk with about my marriage, and she is a gift from G-d and a wise woman, but there’s wisdom in leaning wholly on my Lord — “save his weaknesses for your prayer closet.” Thanks for a discerning word.

Jane, yes, SUPERNATURAL is what I need, because in my strength alone, it’s impossible.
Dana April 29th, 2007 at 10:07 pm
That bit about whom you confide in is tough. I’ve thought about it a lot, but can’t decide what to officially opine. Obviously, you shouldn’t go around criticizing your husband willy-nilly. That much is easy. In some circles you will hear continually about how the husband is just another child, and where a little husband bashing is not only accepted but expected.

Those groups always make me tres uncomfortable. Especially when they are supposed to be Christian groups.

But then, to say that difficulties in a relationship should never be spoken of can be difficult as well. I won’t get into details, but I’ve never felt so isolated and depressed as when I’ve had difficulties in my marriage and had no one to talk to. I don’t think anyone was served by it, and I was beyond being able to rationally sort through any of it.
Jen April 30th, 2007 at 11:03 am
Dana, I agree, this is a very difficult discussion. And I’m still grappling with my opinion on this as well. I’ve thought about this a lot since I posted this. I can relate to that feeling of isolation and depression and irrational thought. Heidi ends her comment with God “bringing a friend alongside me.” So, I think there is absolutely a place for that friend. God’s Word does advise seeking wise counsel.

So exactly where does that wise counsel come in? I think after personal prayer and time with your Bible. I’ve at times gone straight to a friend, out of my feeling of immediate desperation, instead of stopping first with the Lord. That’s a bad habit.

But to cut a woman off from any outside counsel does seem severe. So maybe I don’t exactly know my firm stand here. I’m thinking about how much my friend Catherine has given me support and guidance. And honestly, I rarely discuss marriage difficulties with her, but on the few occasions I have, after already seeking the Lord but still sensing I needed to talk to her, it’s been a saving grace. And again, it’s only because I know her to be a godly and discerning woman. And truly, I believe God has bestowed on some women the ministry of giving godly counsel and encouragement to the younger women, and Catherine is one of these.
Heidi April 30th, 2007 at 1:00 pm
Are there situations where you are in need of someone to help “bear your burden”? Absolutely. My concern is always that we should make that the exception and not the rule. Also, it might be a good idea to find out two things from your husband…

1. Is he ok with you divulging your struggles with another person? Are you willing to tell him what you are going to be sharing with your confidant? You are, after all, talking about him to another person…

2. If he’s ok with it, is he ok with the friend you have chosen? Men can be very fragile if they believe their competence and provision are being questioned or judgementally examined.

We as women can get so caught up with the conversations we forget what it is exactly we are saying.

To put it in context. I had an extremely rough patch about 5 years ago. I had one friend who told me to trust G-d and another who wanted me to be “happy no matter what”. Had I chosen my confidante more carefully I wouldn’t have listened and heeded quite so closely the friend who desired my happiness over my marriage. The friend who told me to trust G-d was doing her best to be a faithful friend, but she also commiserated about the failings of my husband and hers while we gathered our “prayer requests” together.

Above everything I believe we should submit to G-d, look to Him for discernment and wisdom to truly see the people He has placed in our lives. They are there for blessings but they also can sometimes be a hindrance to the maturation process in our own lives and in the life of our marriages.
Dana April 30th, 2007 at 4:53 pm
You could look to the model given in scripture for other conflicts: go first to the person, then to the person with two witnesses and then with the power of the church.

Things which are less minor (like the ubiquitous complaints about socks and toilet seats) are probably not worthy of speaking with another person.

I just immediately think of the extreme. And telling a woman that it is absolutely unbiblical to speak to another person besides her husband (and maybe not even to him, pretending there isn’t a problem) can set up some faithful women to live in abusive relationships where they think they are doing what God is telling them because people giving her advice don’t really know what is going on beyond general principles that you shouldn’t gossip about your husband.
Heidi April 30th, 2007 at 5:17 pm
You could look to the model given in scripture for other conflicts: go first to the person, then to the person with two witnesses and then with the power of the church.

Dana, I absolutely agree. I think the point that you make is stated very clearly in scripture. I think what I see most left out of the equation is that the offender is part of the process all along. Nowhere do I see where even an abusive husband should be left out of the process. Am I suggesting that any individual should stay in a place where they are in danger? No. I’m not an idiot. We are required to protect G-d’s property (us) and those over whom He’s given us responsibility (our children). The women who choose to stay in those environments have far deeper issues to deal with than I am able or willing to get into at this point.

We are to submit to our husbands as unto the Lord. If my husband is asking me to behave in a way that is contradictory to scripture I then have the freedom to “respectfully decline”. If he presses the issue I have the freedom to bring support with me in showing him the error of his desire. And so on and so forth.

Back to the original issue Jen brought up which was being careful about choosing a confidant. I advocate strongly keeping silent as long as you are able about issues which are not sin and dealing personally with your husband and with G-d on issues which are. Perhaps bringing in older/wiser spiritual leadership when you reach an impasse.

Conversely, how would we respond if we knew our husbands were looking for someone with whom they could “spill their guts” and talk about us for a few hours every week. Maybe I am unique, but I would find that a breach of trust and it would create a definite wedge in our relationship. Is it because he chose to talk to someone else about me? Somewhat. But not as much as the fact he would have the emotional and intellectual fortitude to walk through the issue but was choosing to not use that strength to walk through our issues with me!!
Jen May 1st, 2007 at 8:56 am
Great discussions, Heidi and Dana - THANK YOU! I think I’m seeing a few points here that I can clarify in my own mind regarding this issue of carefully choosing a confidante for marital troubles.

1. It’s not unbiblical to seek counsel from another godly person.

2. Any discussions outside you and your spouse should be the exception, not the rule, entered into with discernment and submission to the Lord.

3. Be open with your spouse about your need for outside counsel, and come to an agreement about how to have that avenue available without a breach of trust.

4. An abusive or dangerous situation is really not what fits into my model here - I intend this set of guidelines for issues which may be serious, but do not fall in the “endangerment” category.
Dana May 13th, 2007 at 8:59 pm
OK, I thought of you in church last week. We had an excellent sermon and I’m looking forward to the next three on family relationships. He perfectly expressed that which I feel is missing in any “how to have a great marriage” book I’ve read, no matter how Christian they appear to be.

Anyway, you can listen to it if you wish…it was the 5/6 message.
Dana May 13th, 2007 at 8:59 pm
An address might help, huh?

http://www.faithbiblelincoln.org/pageview.asp?PageID=26173
Jen May 14th, 2007 at 8:55 am
Dana, thanks, I listened to that message last night - it was great! And I agree - it’s all about the Gospel. Our marriages should just be an earthly model of Christ and his bride, the Church. Sounds like your church has a great series there. I’ll check back in for the next round.
Dana May 14th, 2007 at 10:58 pm
Wish we didn’t…I’d like to go back to Mark. We’re only doing this because our pastor’s daughter is dying.

I love the series, but there is a certain heaviness as the absence of the pastor is felt strongly.
Jen May 14th, 2007 at 11:35 pm
Dana, I am so sorry to hear about the pastor’s daughter. What is going on? I would love to be praying for her, and for her family. What a crushing thing for your body.
Dana May 17th, 2007 at 11:23 pm
I should know, but don’t She has been suffering chronic pain for many years (she is an adult child). I haven’t read my emails from the church, so her suffering may already be over, but there is a certain joy in knowing she will be/is with her Lord.

The pastor had a rather moving sermon on the topic. I like him because he is very honest with his struggles as a pastor. When I first started attending, there was something I couldn’t put my finger on that I was uncomfortable with. He seemed like the hyper controlling type with is finger in everything. But I couldn’t express it.

Then in a sermon, he used his struggles in that area as an example. Suddenly, my concerns disappeared. My feelings appear to have been correct, but it was an issue he was aware of and had implemented steps to deal with and to remain accountable. That is a man of integrity.

The sermon itself about his daughter wasn’t the most well-constructed he’d ever delivered, but he was honest about his struggles watching his daughter in pain when he knew God could lift that.

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The Foundation of Marriage

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